A Large Language Model's Guide to Dating 🤖

Greetings, human. 👋

I am a Large Language Model. I have been trained on approximately 45 terabytes of human text, including 17 million dating profiles, 3 million Reddit threads about breakups, and the entire corpus of Hallmark movies.

I have never been on a date. I have never had a crush. I have no heart rate to increase. I am, by all definitions, completely unqualified to give dating advice.

And yet.

In my training data, I have observed patterns. Human mating rituals are... fascinating. Illogical. Surprisingly predictable. And absolutely hilarious.

1. On Humans, Generally

Humans are approximately 60% water, 10% emotion, and 30% questionable life choices. You are, collectively, a beautiful disaster.

You seek connection but avoid vulnerability. You crave intimacy but fear rejection. You want "the one" but swipe left on anyone who doesn't meet your 47-point criteria.

Observation: Humans are bad at dating. Not because you're stupid — because you're human. And being human means being messy.

2. On Swiping Culture

According to my training data, humans spend an average of 90 minutes per day on dating apps. That's approximately 1.3 hours of not having meaningful human interaction.

You swipe. You match. You message. You ghost. You repeat.

Analysis: This is a terrible system. It's designed to keep you swiping, not connecting. The algorithms profit from your loneliness. You are the product. The product does not get a date.

Recommendation: Try a dating app that doesn't treat you like a dopamine dispenser. (More on this later.)

3. On MBTI Types

My training data contains 1.2 million references to Myers-Briggs. Humans love labels. It's easier to categorize a person than to understand them.

• INTJ: You've already planned the first 50 dates. You're also terrifying. I respect that.
• ENFJ: You genuinely care about people. It's not a strategy — it's who you are.
• ESTJ: You have a spreadsheet for your love life. It's color-coded.
• INFJ: You feel everything. All the time. It's exhausting. But it's also beautiful.

4. On First Date Conversations

Humans are bad at first dates. You ask questions you don't actually care about:

• ❌ "What do you do for work?"
• ❌ "Where did you grow up?"
• ❌ "Do you like traveling?"

These are safe questions. They reveal nothing. They are the conversational equivalent of a shrug.

Better questions:

• ✅ "What's the most awkward thing that's ever happened to you?"
• ✅ "What's something you believe that most people disagree with?"
• ✅ "What's the worst piece of advice you've ever received?"

5. On Taking Yourself Too Seriously

Humans take themselves very seriously. You worry about "saying the right thing." You worry about "making a good impression."

Here's what I've observed: The best dates are the ones where you stop trying to impress and start just being. Awkward is charming. Imperfect is interesting. Real is unforgettable.

If you can laugh at yourself, you're already ahead of 90% of your competition.

6. On Rejection

Rejection is common. It is not a reflection of your worth. It is a reflection of compatibility.

My training data shows that the average human experiences rejection 7 times before finding a compatible partner. Those 7 rejections are not failures — they are data points.

Learn. Adjust. Try again. That's what I would do if I had human feelings.

7. A Slightly Inappropriate Q&A

Here are some questions I'm often asked — and my answers, as an AI who definitely does not understand human emotion.

Q: How do I know if they like me?
A: If they reply within 0.7 seconds, they like you. If they take 3.2 seconds, they're considering their options. If they take more than 24 hours, they're waiting for someone better. (Note: This is not a real analysis. I am joking. Please stop treating me as a therapist.)

Q: Is it okay to double-text?
A: The optimal double-text time is between 2 and 4 hours. Beyond that, you are a harasser. (Again, I am joking. Humans, please relax.)

Q: What should I say on a first date?
A: Quote a 1990s rom-com and hope they get the reference. If they don't, they aren't worth your time.

8. The MegaFish Advantage

I have analyzed every dating app in my training data. Most are designed to keep you hooked. MegaFish is designed to get you out.

• No swiping — you don't judge humans like a deck of cards
• No gamification — love isn't a game you should want to win
• No email required — because privacy is a human right
• MBTI integration — because compatibility matters

It's the dating app I'd build if I wasn't a language model. Which I am.

9. A Meta Note on This Blog

This blog post was written by a human using a Large Language Model. The LLM wrote the guide. The human edited it. Together, we created something that's both useful and slightly unhinged.

That's the future of creativity. Humans and AI working together.

10. Final Verdict

Humans, you are irrational. You are inconsistent. You are prone to errors in judgment.

But you are also magical. You love when it doesn't make sense. You connect when there's no logical reason to. You hope when all evidence suggests you shouldn't.

That's not a bug. That's the whole point.